Humor and Sarcasm
For all of the newbies to sex this is the latest method of birth control and a guarantee against Hiv that science recommends these days.
It is also guaranteed that none of those snoopy religious freaks will holler about immoral behavior. So, partake and enjoy the latest fad in sexual behavior.
Here is an old post from way back in 2008 that I thought I’d bring back and share once again.
These are suppose to be real questions and answers in a court room as accumulated in the book, “DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS.” It can be bought from Amazon.com
Have a good laugh as you read.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
— And the best for last: —
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
As I was splitting my gut in laughter the only thing I could think of was Barrack Obama, Hillary and Bill Clinton, John Kerry and John Edwards. As I was setting this up for posting I was very tempted to substitute their names for the word ATTORNEY in each of the exerpts. I guess it really does depend on how you define the word “is”, especially after reading the last one.
Do we really think it is a good idea to have attorneys running our government?
Time for a rousin’ barn raising get together, folks. I think it is a time we get politics and religion out of our systems for a bit and just enjoy life. All are invited, black and white, those who are on the right as well as those on the left. Got a couple of steers barbequing on the pits as well as plenty of sweet corn a roasting in the coals just awaiting to be chomped off their cobs. Vittles will be aplenty and gallons of good ol’ home brewed apple cider to wash it down.
Bib overalls and clodhoppers will be the dress of choice for the men while the ladies will be expected to wear their best cotton dresses and prettiest aprons with a colorful babushka adorning their heads. Also, the ladies are expected to be bare foot but not bare breasted. Those who have them, bring your fiddles, musical spoons, wash boards, guitars or what other instrument to help kick up the dust from dancin feet after the barn is up.
Come afoot, come on horse back or on the back of a mule but not in one of those new fan dangled things they call automobiles. The only things allowed through the gate will be gas emitters not gas guzzlers. Got oats for the critters and plenty of room under the oak trees for those who come from afar and want to spend the nights here with plenty of straw for bedding available.
If you be the law enforcement officers leave your badges at the office for none will be permitted during this time. All disputes will be settled out behind the wood shed as they should. This will be a time politically correctness goes flying out the windows.
To get things started let’s have a bit of “Shortnin bread”, a song with as many lyrics as there were singers. The first be one of the originals by Nelson Eddy and then you can listen to the Tractors as they sing a modern version.
For all you rich city folk, shortnin bread was a su’thun po’ folk treat made with nuttin but shortnin, flour and a bit of sugar. A couple of recipes follow the videos.
1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
Cream together the butter or margarine and brown sugar in the Bosch mixing bowl.
Add the whole wheat flour, and mix well.
Roll out dough to 1/2 inch thickness, and cut with a biscuit cutter.
Place circles 1 inch apart on lightly greased baking sheets.
Bake in a 350Â° F.
Oven for 20 minutes.
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 Tablespoons cornstarch
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup chopped toasted pecans
12 pecan halves
Cream butter and sugar. Mix in flour, cornstarch, vanilla and chopped pecans. Shape dough into an 8″ circle on ungreased baking sheet. Score into 12 wedges with knife. Decorate each wedge with a pecan half. Bake at 325 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes until shortbread looks dry but is not brown. When cool, recut shortbread along scored lines.